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HERE TODAY, CAN I GO THERE TOMORROW?Or, It Isnt Paranoia If Theyre Really Following Youby Maryedith BurrellIve never had any siblings, and thats why Im delighted that the government has decided to step in, and to be my Big Brother. To protect me in the school yard of life. To keep track of my comings and goings, so that he can better defend me against bullies at home and abroad. And , to even infantalize me sometimes for my own good. I dont mind because, golly, how would I know freebasing while Im pregnant was the wrong idea? I just wouldnt. And, if my government didnt take it upon itself to keep an eye on me, I might hurt myself or somebody else or, god forbid, even sue a person because nobody told me that the coffee in my cup at Jack In The Box might be hot, or that leaving my kid standing by a bonfire in a fake-fur chubby might incinerate the poor little tike. I certainly cant be expected to bear any responsibility for burning my own tongue or my own child. Its comforting to know my Big Brother realizes that. Hes done such a good job with The War On Drugs, Gun Control, and National Literacy, that I know whatever Big Brother wants to do to protect me from myself is bound to work. Even if this is the information age, I cant know everything. Big Brother can use some of the balanced budget surplus to hire people to go everywhere and stick their noses into everybodys business just like Ken Starr. After all, isnt that what government is for? And, with the Cold War over and everything, wed be putting a lot of people whove been laid off back to work. And, Im for that. This is America Land of The Free and Home of The Brave. We cant just let anybody come here like they were immigrants fleeing from some bad place for a better life or something. Especially if theyre from Africa. And, we cant let American citizens just leave whenever they want, and go wherever they want. They might go places, and learn things that arent good for them. We dont want it to be like Jane Fonda going to Hanoi all over again. The nation doesnt want to wait for another misguided starlet to get the recognition from The Academy she deserves. Its just too painful. I dont mind Big Brother doing my thinking for me. I pay my taxes, and its good to know theyre going for something I can use. And, dont call me stupid or lazy because that would be a value judgment, and make me feel marginalized, and its just not fair. I know my rights. Im an American, and that means its against the law to hurt my feelings except for reasons of national security. Just ask Geraldo. And, anybody who doesnt want my Big Brother to know where theyre going and what theyre doing has something to hide if you ask me. Thats why I say BRING ON PASSENGER PROFILING! If Stalin wouldnt let anybody in or out of Russia without a security check, why should we? God knows the tons of laws we have on the books right now about all that certainly arent being enforced. Probably because they arent stiff enough, and the people working at the airports cant figure out how to use the computers. And, if my Big Brother wants better unenforceable laws, and more money spent on software programs nobody can use, well, thats okay by me because he wouldnt say he wanted them if he didnt mean it. Were the only superpower left you know. If we dont attack our own Bill of Rights who will? Use it or lose it I always say. But, why limit profiling to passengers? Why not track everybody all the time? Weve got the technology . If were going to monitor suspicious characters lets do it right. Why should the CIA, FBI and Rent-A-Cops have all the fun? Weve got cameras and scanners at every 7-Eleven, ATM, and stadium in the land. And, weve got a population fueled by Jerry Springer and Hard Copy primed and ready to rat on their neighbors. So, why dont we all chip in and help Big Brother? After all, it takes a village. I dont know about you, but after the World Trade Center bombing I think they should have rounded up every swarthy-looking man in America wearing a turban, and detained him in those camps they used for the Japanese in WWII. Why let perfectly good Quonset huts go to waste? And, Ive been saying this for a long time: theres just too much bulk fertilizer being sold willy-nilly to anybody in an International Harvester hat.. Those white supremacists are stockpiling the stuff on the Great Plains, and theyve got their eyes on the Federal Building in Topeka. I say, Act Now! Any white guy in Wrangler jeans buying more than a 16 oz. box of Miracle Gro should get strip searched at Wal-Mart. And, buddy, Im here to tell you , James Whitmore is the first name on my list. Hes got terrorist written all over him. Now I fully expect the ACLU to whine about my plan. And, the Minnesota Militia too. (Ever think youd see those guys on the same side of an issue?) I know it may seem unpopular now, but bear with me. In a few years when you lose your job for being seen at an Erikha Badhu concert, and I lose mine for being able to spell totalitarianism, we can share a laugh in our Quonset hut outside Stockton, California as we wait patiently to be told its our turn to use the latrines. Back to TravelLady Magazine |
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