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HERE TODAY, CAN I GO THERE TOMORROW?

Or, It Isn’t Paranoia If They’re Really Following You

by Maryedith Burrell

I’ve never had any siblings,  and that’s why I’m delighted that the government has decided to step in, and to be my Big Brother. To protect me in the school yard of life. To keep track of my comings and goings,  so that he can better defend me against bullies at home and abroad. And , to even infantalize me sometimes for my own good.  I don’t mind because, golly, how would I  know freebasing while I’m pregnant was the wrong idea?  I just wouldn’t. And, if my government didn’t take it upon itself  to keep an eye on me, I might hurt myself or somebody else or, god forbid,  even sue a person because nobody told  me that the coffee in my cup at Jack In The Box might be hot, or that leaving my kid standing by a bonfire in a fake-fur chubby might incinerate the poor little tike. I certainly can’t be expected to bear any responsibility for burning my own tongue or my own child. It’s comforting to know my Big Brother realizes that. He’s done such a good job with The War On Drugs, Gun Control, and National Literacy, that I know whatever Big Brother wants to do to protect me from myself is bound to work.

Even if this is the information age, I can’t know everything.  Big Brother can use some of the balanced budget surplus to hire  people to go everywhere and stick their noses into everybody’s business just like Ken Starr. After all, isn’t that what government is for?  And,  with the Cold War over and everything, we’d be putting a lot of people who’ve been laid off back to work. And, I’m for that. This is America – Land of The Free and Home of The Brave. We can’t just let anybody come here like they were immigrants fleeing from some bad place for a better life or something. Especially if they’re from Africa.  And, we can’t let American citizens just leave whenever they want, and go wherever they want. They might go places, and learn things that aren’t good for them.   We don’t want it to be like Jane Fonda going to Hanoi all over again. The nation doesn’t want to wait for another misguided starlet to get the recognition from The Academy she deserves. It’s just too painful.

I don’t mind Big Brother doing my thinking for me. I pay my taxes, and it’s good to know they’re going for something I can use. And, don’t call me “stupid” or “lazy” because that would be a  value judgment, and make me feel marginalized,  and  it’s just not fair. I know my rights. I’m an American, and that means it’s against the law to hurt my feelings except for reasons of national security.  Just ask Geraldo. And,  anybody who doesn’t want my Big Brother to know where they’re going and what they’re doing has something to hide if you ask me.

That’s why I say BRING ON PASSENGER PROFILING!  If Stalin wouldn’t let anybody in or out of Russia without a security check,  why should we? God knows the tons of laws we have on the books right now about all that certainly aren’t being enforced. Probably because they aren’t stiff enough, and the people working at the airports can’t figure out how to use the computers. And, if my Big Brother wants better unenforceable laws, and more money spent on software programs nobody can use,  well,  that’s okay by me because he wouldn’t say he wanted them if he didn’t mean it. We’re the only superpower left you know. If we don’t attack our own Bill of Rights who will?  “Use it or lose it “ I always say.

But,  why limit profiling to passengers? Why not track everybody all the time? We’ve got the technology . If we’re going to monitor “suspicious characters” let’s do it right. Why should the CIA, FBI and Rent-A-Cops have all the fun? We’ve got cameras and scanners at every  7-Eleven, ATM, and stadium in the land.  And, we’ve got a population fueled by Jerry Springer and Hard Copy primed and ready to rat on their neighbors. So,  why don’t we all chip in and help Big Brother? After all,  it takes a village.

I don’t know about you, but after the World Trade Center bombing I think they should have rounded up every swarthy-looking man in America wearing a turban, and detained him in those camps they used for the Japanese in WWII. Why let perfectly good Quonset huts go to waste? And,  I’ve been saying this for a long time:  there’s just too much bulk fertilizer being sold willy-nilly to anybody in an International Harvester hat.. Those white supremacists are stockpiling the stuff on the Great Plains, and they’ve got their eyes on the Federal Building in Topeka. I say, “Act Now!” Any white guy in Wrangler jeans buying more than a 16 oz. box of Miracle Gro should get strip searched at Wal-Mart.  And, buddy, I’m here to tell you , James Whitmore is the first name on my list. He’s got “terrorist” written all over him.

Now I fully expect the ACLU to whine about my plan. And, the Minnesota Militia too. (Ever think you’d see those guys on the same side of an issue?)  I know it may seem unpopular now, but bear with me. In a few years when you lose your job for being seen at an Erikha Badhu concert,  and I lose mine for being able to spell “totalitarianism,” we can share a laugh in our Quonset hut outside Stockton, California as we wait patiently to be told it’s our turn to use the latrines.

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