^TM

"Japanese girls are obsessed with weddings," says Mariko, 26, herself a newlywed. "They dream of living their fantasy and being a princess for a day." Nothing so unusual in that, you might think, but where else but in Japan would this dream involve a ceremony in a mock-up of a Christian chapel and exchanging vows before a handsome blond foreigner who is not, in fact, a priest?

And it's not just Japanese weddings that can seem extraordinary to foreign eyes. In fact, from pre-defined 'dating courses' that lead imaginatively-challenged couples through a first date (often ending up at that uniquely Japanese institution - the 'love hotel'), to wedding receptions where the happy couple are lowered into the hall in a gondola and a cloud of dry ice, the Japanese path to true love can border on the surreal!

Take, for example, the rituals of dating, Japanese-style. Not content to simply go out for a meal, couples like to embark on so-called 'date courses' - pre-defined schedules of shopping, sightseeing and eating, often published in popular magazines. "Date courses are very fashionable right now," Mariko explains. "It saves the couple from having to discuss where to go and reassures them that they are doing it right." She gets embarrassed though when I tell her that I've heard that many 'date courses' end up in one of Japan's famous 'love hotels' (offering rooms which can be rented by the hour, providing much needed privacy in a country where private space is at a premium). Her friend Rie is more forthcoming. "Of course, many couples end their dates at a love hotel," she shrugs. "Most live with their parents or in company dorms, so how else can they get time alone?"

Another uniquely Japanese feature of love and marriage is the old-fashioned but still powerful tradition which states that young women should marry during the 'appropriate age period', in other words between the ages of 18 and 25. "Girls these days will often deny it," Mariko says, "but many of us are still eager to be married before our 26th birthday. If we don't we risk being labeled 'Christmas Cake' - something everyone wants up to the 25th, but isn't of much value from the 26th onwards."

Mariko married last year at the age of 25. "I married for love," she explains proudly, "and I was lucky in that my parents and my husband's parents had no objections". In contrast to the 'do as you please attitudes' of many Westerners, parental approval still holds a lot of weight in Japan, even for modern young women like Mariko. Indeed, marrying for love was frowned upon until only a few decades ago, the vagaries of love being considered a flimsy basis for a lifelong relationship. A couple's social and economic compatibility and the furthering of family interests came first.

Much has changed since then, but it is estimated that around 40% of Japanese marriages still occur thanks to the traditional 'arranged marriage' system, whereby a matchmaker acts as an intermediary between prospective marriage partners and arranges an 'omi-ai' (literally 'honorable viewing-meeting'). This meeting is attended by not only the couple but also both sets of parents, and usually takes place in a restaurant or hotel lounge. Although there is nothing sinister about the process - both sides can, and often do, veto the process for any reason - it can be a stressful experience for all involved, as Mariko's friend Hiromi, 27, who met her husband through the 'omi-ai' system, explains.

"Having one's parents present when you meet a guy for the first time can be really embarrassing, and my parents got very stressed about having to make so much polite conversation with strangers. It can be very awkward." Hiromi was introduced to a total of 12 prospective husbands before finally settling on Yoshihiro, her husband. "Really, 'omi-ai' is just like a blind date in the US," she says, "only parents are involved and we admit from the start that we are interested in marriage. It was the best way for me. Now I'm happy, my husband is happy, and our families are content." Hiromi's mother, Etsuko, agrees. "It's just a very sensible way of choosing a life partner. If the family backgrounds are compatible and there is mutual respect between everyone, what better basis could there be for marriage and children?"

Be it a love match or 'omi-ai', as soon as the engagement is announced, all thoughts turn to the wedding. An almanac is consulted to find an auspicious date, and the venue and style of ceremony are decided on. These days more likely than not the couple will decide on a 'Christian-style' chapel wedding, complete with elaborate white gown and foreign (preferably blond and blue-eyed) 'priest'. Interestingly, this is despite the fact that fewer than 1% of the population are Christian. Moreover, demand is so high that most weddings take place not in consecrated churches but in rooms decorated to look like chapels with authentic wooden pews, an organ, flower-bedecked altar and plenty of colorful stained glass. The 'priest' is more likely to be the local English teacher than a true man of the cloth, but the general opinion seems to be that as long as he looks good in the wedding , why complain!

Both Mariko and Hiromi opted for a chapel wedding. "They are so romantic and a lot more stylish than dull, formal Shinto ceremonies," says Mariko. Hiromi agrees. "Western style wedding dresses are much more flattering too. Why on earth would I want to be trussed up in a plain white kimono with an ugly white hood to cover my supposed 'horns of jealousy' rather than a beautiful lacy gown?" she asks, referring to the traditional Shinto wedding costume. And no doubt another factor in the current boom in chapel weddings is that they tend to work out substantially cheaper than Shinto ceremonies.

Nevertheless, 'chapel weddings' have attracted criticism from Christians both within Japan and abroad. Mariko and Hiromi freely admit that religion was the last thing on their minds when they planned their weddings, but can't see any problem with that. "I like the style of chapel weddings and I don't see anything wrong with having one. We're not doing any harm. Basically, Japanese people like chapel weddings because they look good," says Hiromi.

Whatever style of ceremony a couple chooses, it is likely to be followed by a reception extravaganza during which the newlyweds make several spot lit grand entrances, a wedding banquet of French or Chinese cuisine is served and friends and colleagues sing karaoke and make endless congratulatory speeches and toasts. Ostentatious display is the name of the game and the event is limited only by the couple's imaginations. Clouds of dry ice, gondolas and showers of real rose petals are popular, doves and butterflies are released to symbolize the couple's love, and ice sculptures and champagne waterfalls decorate the reception hall. The bride appears in a kimono, a cocktail dress, a ball gown� As far as Japanese wedding receptions are concerned, more is definitely more!

Three hours later it's all over, with just an elaborately bound album of treasured wedding to keep the memories alive. "I'd dreamt of how my wedding would be since I was a little girl," says Mariko, her eyes shining, "and it was perfect. Simply the best day of my life!"

It seems that in Japan, for one day at least, fairytales really can come true.

Text & � Lucy Moss, 2001

Back to TravelLady Magazine