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Cross-Cultural Notes
A Child Psychiatrist Takes a Dip in the Pool

By Elizabeth Berger, M.D.

For many tourists, the most stunning sight at the Puerto Vallarta Casa Magna Marriott may be the "Infinity Pool" – a huge chest-high wading pool complete with waterfall and bar that merges into the ocean view a few feet away. But what drew me to its beach chairs day after day wasn't the magnificent view, the attentive poolside waiters, or the cooling effects of the waters on the midday heat of off-season summer travel. What kept me fascinated was a sight stranger than fiction – families with small children getting along.

Having raised children myself and being familiar with public spaces in the United States--beaches, restaurants, parks, or shopping malls – I am accustomed to the sad and commonplace sight of parents at odds with their children. Wherever there are large numbers of American children, it seems that you are bound to observe a few of them wailing, parents out of sorts, families arguing, sulking, or storming – and almost everywhere, the sight of parents trying to "discipline" their children with punishments, consequences, scolding, limit-setting, time-outs, and huge quantities of frowns all around.

What astounded me in Mexico – during the summertime "off-season" when few North Americans were present – was that the family interactions seemed so very different. Although the pool was filled with families and dozens of children of all ages, I only heard howling babies on a tiny number of occasions. And each time, the cry of despair was brief – because the infant was immediately scooped into arms and comforted with passion and tenderness. To my wonderment, too, the arms were mostly Dad's. Regardless of the alleged sex-role conventions of "traditional Latin societies," the high degree of involvement of fathers with their children off all ages at the pool in Mexico was very striking to me in its contrast with a North American scene. Dads played with their kids – threw them in the air, balanced them on their shoulders, and hugged and kissed them – with evident joy and pride and pleasure. I did not get the feeling that these Dads were "agreeing" to entertain their kids for a period of time, or "agreeing" to take the kids off their Mom's hands for a while. I got the feeling that these Dads thought that playing with their children was the most natural and delightful and satisfying thing they could possibly be doing. That for these Dads, this was what a vacation was all about.

The absence of conflict between siblings, and between children playing in groups, was another astounding feature of this pool. The older children and teenagers--rather than forming competing packs and cliques – often carried the smaller tots on their hips and played with them or taught them to swim. Rather than the "inevitable" fights and resentments and bitterness, the difficulty sharing and taking turns, that one often sees among groups of kids north of the border, these children laughed and played together pleasantly hour after hour – and by our national standards, rather quietly. These children seemed extraordinarily well behaved: friendly and courteous with myself as a stranger with bad Spanish, kind and affectionate with each other. Being gracious and polite--an important feature in Latino society generally – didn’t appear to be something that parents "made" their children do. It seemed to be the children's natural expectation of human relationships.

Elizabeth Berger, M.D. is the author of Raising Children with Character. Read more about it at http://www.parentingbyheart.com

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