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Traveling ManBy Todd GenuitSome things never change.
THE HOOK Back in the 80’s, clubs which catered to the singles market were willing to offer anything within the law to lure people in. Everything from “Free Beer Night” to “Drink Till You Drown” dominated the scene all across America. In fact, I can remember Sunday nights at a club in Dallas called Beggars which offered all the burgers and beer you could put down for just $12. This was all fine and great until 2 AM rolled around. That’s when the $12 you spent 6 hours earlier came right back up again - in a little different form. Fortunately, the laws have changed over the years, but clubs still do what they can to get around them. In fact, in my hotel room were advertisements for clubs that spoke of free drinks on certain nights of the week. That’s free “drinks”, not free “alcohol”, but I knew what they meant. On this particular night it was “Ladies Night”, when all women could drink free with no cover. I needed a column, I had the subject, and the best part was that the club was in my hotel. This is where I was going.
JUST A NUMBER, THAT’S ALL Getting a number from a woman, at the very least, is every guy’s goal at a club. Unfortunately, the chances of getting it from her on the very first meeting are pretty slim. In fact, those women who do give their numbers out the first night, especially in today’s violent society, are either tremendous judges of character, martial arts instructors, recent sex-change recipients, or complete drunks. However, the process by which most men acquire the numbers is actually pretty simple. The typical guy, especially those from out of town, must work quickly because time is of the essence, and there are 3 basic ways to do it. The first is the blanket approach. This requires you to drink enough alcohol to make you feel comfortable. Once you’ve got a good “buzz” going, proceed to ask every beautiful woman in the place to dance until one says “yes”. The downside, however, is that after an hour of “no’s”, all of the good looking ones have been eliminated. This is when you go to plan B. It’s called “Drop Your Standards”. Now, this may require a little extra drinking, but remember, your goal is to get a name and number. Miraculously, because you’ve chosen to take those few extra drinks, the average looking ones begin to look surprisingly beautiful. In fact, you begin to wonder why you didn’t ask them in the first place. Of course, at this point you’re hoping that you, too, are at least average looking and that they’ve had the same number of drinks you’ve had. If this doesn’t work, however, there is one more way. Simply stand outside the ladies room at 15 minutes before closing time. This is where the really toasted ones will be. At this point in the evening, some women are so blitzed, they don’t care what you look like – if they can even see you at all. They’re just happy to get anyone’s attention at this point - even yours.
THE ONLY SOLUTION If this doesn’t work – GO HOME! Give it up! You shouldn’t be out that late anyway! Are you crazy? You have meetings in the morning! You’ve worked your butt off your whole life, your entire future is ahead of you, and you’re going to risk it all just because you’re out of town and you think you can? You’re an adult, now! Grow up, dammit! Jeez! Now, put your ring back on. Oh, and your wife called. She and the kids just wanted to say goodnight… and that they love you. Yes, some things never change. |
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TM
I visited a nightclub while on the road recently
because I really had nothing else to do. The night was still young, and I’d
had about as much television in 3 nights as any one human being could take.
I mean, look, once you start watching Animal Planet, you know it’s time to
get out. The fact that the hotel’s fire alarm was also going off also lent
itself to my decision. Besides, I was kind of curious to see if anything had
changed over the years and I needed something to write about. I knew that
simple “people watching” was always a good way to go, especially if all else
failed. The best part about going out alone, too, is that you can go back
home without having to search all night for your 3 buddies who lied when
they swore they would be around to leave whenever you were ready.
Unfortunately, after 30 minutes there, I rediscovered something I’d known
about the nightclub scene long ago; beautiful women - in general - are
still snobs until they start drinking; and men are still desperate but
always willing to wait.