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Morning, Noon and Midnight Scotch
Gentlemen,
Why Not Plan the (Elbow-Bending) Vacation You Really Want?
By Marguerite Jordan
"Always carry a flagon of whisky in case of snakebite. And,
furthermore, always carry a small snake." Where whisky was concerned, actor
and quintessential drinker W. C. Fields was one of the best-prepared
travelers.
 Had this noted
curmudgeon been to Scotland, he would scarcely need the flagon, for here
there are taverns, cocktail lounges, or public houses on nearly every
corner. Not to mention
over 400 golf courses. And very few snakes.
So, in planning a visit to Scotland, Gentlemen, why not
start with the things you like best? Go ahead, own up to your passions and
plan the trip of your drams, ER- dreams.
Truth be told, Scotland is about the creation of the two most popular
passions known to man: whisky and golf.
 For sure, you may
have to compromise a bit with your ‘wee bonnie’ traveling companion,
visiting the odd museum, eating in fine restaurants, listening to live
music, shopping for cashmere, biking, riding, and touring the beautiful
countryside, etc. But let’s make sure
she understands what this small country of Munro’s (3000-foot tall hills),
rocky islands and sweeping heathery moors is all about. To come here and
ignore the powerful twin realities of whisky and golf would be a sin and a
curse upon your clan.
The following headlines are famous
words on drinking, courtesy of W.C. Fields, including some of which come
from his movie “The Golf Specialist.”
“I DON'T BELIEVE IN DINING ON AN EMPTY STOMACH.”
Whatever your choices for other activities, you can be sure that there will
always be a bottle of whisky nearby, to take the frost out of the night or
the loss out of the links or the pain out of the snake bite.
Besides the aforementioned everyday drinking places, there
are Whisky Trails, individual distilleries, whisky fairs and numerous other
events that prominently feature the making or drinking of whisky. Of course
there are golf courses with their famous 19th holes. In fact, there is one
very special place where you can play golf while drinking whisky at
midnight. Over the centuries there have been movements by
various Church entities to limit drinking in this largely Protestant
country, but in recent years the licensing laws regarding bar openings have
been quite liberalised, for practical reasons. It is a noted fact in
Scotland that more than two billion dollars revenue comes from the
production and export of whisky, the country’s largest export. No exact
figure can be given for the amount of whisky that is drunk ‘in-house’, so to
speak, but it is fair to say that it is considerable.
 Bars can be open up to 12 hours a day; many start at 11 AM. Mind you, I am
not recommending that you start your day this way, but there it is,
certainly for medicinal purposes. (‘The hair of the dog that bit you.” has
been around for a very long time. The morning after drink to take away your
hangover is traceable to the earliest practice of witch doctors. Their cure
for dogbite was to place a hair of the dog in the wound.) On
holidays, “extensions” to the usual hours can be granted to local pubs.
Fortunately, if your are staying in a hotel that has a bar, hours are not
restricted, so you can usually count on finding a late nightcap, midnight
and beyond. Of course, nothing is keeping you from buying a bottle for a nip
in your hotel room. But do take your cue from W. C. Fields:
be prepared. What with the wet and sometimes-stormy weather and all that is
common in this country, it is fair to assume you will seek comfort in a tidy
glass of whisky. So, whether your visit brings you to the country’s two
cultural capitals, Edinburgh and Glasgow, or sends you to the hinterlands of
small villages and links golf courses, you will only ever be a step away
from some very good sippin’ whisky.
“DON'T STAND THERE! DON'T YOU KNOW I'LL SMITE YOU IN THE
SCONCE WITH THIS TRUNCHEON?”
 Scotland is an exciting country.
From the northernmost point of land at John O’Groats to the southern hilly
towns of the Borders, from the eastcoast oil-rich city of Aberdeen to the
western craggy and wild Outer Hebrides, there is variety to the landscape,
the weather and the activities you can pursue. Three languages are
spoken here, Gaelic, Lowland Scots and English.
Surrounded on three sides by water, Scotland’s deeply
indented coastline and offshore islands duel daily with the forces of the
North Sea and the Irish Sea. Everywhere you go you will find rugged
individuals who will occasionally challenge and sometimes charm you. In the
various regions, you will notice differences in speech and humor, with some
people dour and tough, and others funny and sweet. It’s not always possible
to understand the accent and so it is alright to ask the speaker to repeat
his words. Or not. A couple of suggestions as you go about
your visit with the Scots: Do not order Scotch in Scotland, thereby
proclaiming yourself a ‘right eejit”. Ask for a whisky.
Do not refer to anyone in Scotland as British, as this can
be a sore subject. Do a little reading before you go, in order to understand
the complex relationships of all the lands of Great Britain.
Don’t make fun of Haggis. It is a national dish, and when it
is served, splash it with whisky, and you will be surprised at how much you
love it.
 The larger your vocabulary the greater fun you will have
chatting with people you meet. Some words we know in American English have a
different meaning in Scotland. A few examples: messages is shopping; shoes
are sheen; pudding is any kind of dessert; squash is a fruit-flavored drink;
mince is hamburger meat; Wellingtons are boots. Consult Fodor’s “Exploring
Scotland” for other translations. Never miss an opportunity to quiz a guide
on The Whisky Trail or a friendly publican in a bar or anyone who seems
friendly.
If you learn the meanings to geographical
terms you will unlock the key to many place names. A “firth” (as in Firth of
Forth), is a fjord. Bally means village, glen is a valley. A ben is a high
hill, a cairn a heap of stone; loch is lake; kirk is church; strath is a
river valley. Keep these words in mind when you read the map names and you
will have a sense of what you will find. As an aside, only a
handful of words have come to the English language from Gaelic. The best
known are these: whisky, clan, and slogan (which actually means “war cry.”)
The best known drinking toast is “Slainte”, (SLAWNN-cha), Gaelic for Health.
“THE COST OF LIVING HAS GONE UP ANOTHER DOLLAR A QUART.” You
know you deserve the best, but keep in mind that there are some pricey
choices out there. One that is especially delectable and that many aspire to
is to be found ‘way in the North. As you know, the closer to the Arctic, the
longer the light of day on Midsummer’s night in June. Using the additional
light of the longest day, the planners at Skibo Castle have come up with an
ingenious toast to Scotland’s finest: golf and whisky.
A very exclusive and very expensive place to stay and play,
Skibo was not long ago in the news for the fact that it was the site of
Madonna’s wedding to Guy Ritchie. She, who could have chosen almost any
place at all, wanted Skibo Castle for its unerring sense of wish fulfillment
and beauty.
Once the property of that grand man of Scottish enterprise,
Andrew Carnegie, it was transformed about 10 or 15 years ago by another
famous entrepreneur, Peter de Savary, to a five-star-plus hotel. As he
explained recently, “I want you to come here and feel at home.”
The grounds are extensive, the accommodations are furnished
with fine antiques, handsome comfortable sofas and beds, and all manner of
activities are available onsite: hunting, riding; pheasant shooting, and of
course, golf. The staff are beyond impeccable in making you feel welcome.
 The countryhouse atmosphere is perfect. Service is cheerful and personal. No
one locks his doors. You do not check in, you are brought ‘round to your
room. Your bath is drawn, your clothes are hung up. You are a treasured
guest and the living is easy. And fun. “Wouldn’t it
be wonderful,” one of the golf staff once mused, “If we had a wee bit of a
playoff at midnight? We could serve a different whisky at each of the holes
to add a little bit of devilment to the play.” And, so it is, that every
year on Midsummer’s Night, the longest day of the year, members and guests
vie well into the late evening to place the best shots and taste the best
Scots whisky. And, thus, Gentlemen, is the game you have always dreamed of.
Rumors of members being brought to their rooms by valets pushing
wheelbarrows are greatly exaggerated.
“EVERYONE MUST BELIEVE IN SOMETHING. I BELIEVE I'LL HAVE
ANOTHER DRINK.”
 Another special treat, if you wanted
an in-depth look at a fine sampling of whiskies all in one place is the Quaich Bar in The Craigellachie Hotel in Speyside, part of Moray in the
North East. This part of the Scottish Highlands is a beautiful vacation area
and home to The Whisky Trail. Three miles away from the hotel
is the distillery of Glenfiddich. Located on the malt whisky trail, it is
one of the most famous Scotch single malts in the world.
Almost 500 different single malts around the walls await you in a cosy
atmosphere of the Quaich Bar. You can walk around and see in one place the
whiskies you have only read about. In addition to Glenfiddich, you may taste
Macallan, Balvenie, Aberlour and Glenlivet single malts. The most expensive
is bottle number 47, of the 40 year old Glenfarclas "Scottish Classic"
series, with an illustration of Ebebeezer Shaw from R.L.Stevenson's novel
"Kidnapped" - at £150 per nip.
Famous connoisseurs and writers convene for nosings and
tastings, which are often open to the public. The Spirit of Speyside Whisky
Festival is a cause for celebration here, where you might run into Michael
Jackson, the noted author of “The World Guide to Whisky” and several other
books. Or you might meet Jim Murray, the celebrated whisky
writer. Jim holds the unique distinction of being the most well traveled
expert on whisky, having visited every single distillery in Scotland,
Ireland, the USA and Canada - and most in the rest of the world!
Considering that you may never get to taste all of the
single malts in the world, you may set yourself a more modest goal. I
suggest you work your way through all of the G’s: Glenlivet, Glenfiddisch,
Glenmorangie, Glen Grant, etc.
“'TWAS A WOMAN WHO DROVE ME TO DRINK, AND I NEVER HAD THE
COURTESY TO THANK HER FOR IT. “ More than a million people a
year visit distilleries in Scotland for a chance to see how whiskey is made
and to sample the finished product. One of the most interesting tours you
can take in Scotland is The Whisky Trail in and around the Spey River in the
northeast Highlands. Many tourists come up to this region from Edinburgh or
Glasgow to have a weekend break. Many visitors attend classes and tastings.
In addition to all the distilleries, there are numerous places to bike, hike
and fish. The beautiful fast-flowing Spey River is popular with salmon
fishermen. After a visit to several of the distilleries, tour around the
picturesque area and enjoy the scenery and very fresh food, especially the
salmon. Even you do not have enough time to devote to seeing the eight or so
distilleries on the tour, be sure to visit at least one.
 When you tour a
distillery, you will be given a glimpse of the story of the earth as it
affects the barley, the mash, the water, the barrels, and the final
containers. You begin to consider the land of Scotland, its bedrock of
granite, its many rivers, its spruce and larch, its ocean tang, and the
heather and peat and all the other factors that make the country and its
whisky unique.
Some tasting places
also have restaurants, bars, accommodation and corporate entertaining
facilities. The professionalism and passion that go into the making of good
whisky -- especially single malts -- is clearly evident when you meet those
associated with the process. It’s an old profession and a demanding one. On
the guided tours you get to meet people who are genuinely interested in
helping you understand the process. It helps that many are often very funny,
very authentic people, proud of their craft.
 It is
also worthwhile to visit a cooperage to see the making of the barrels and a
glassmaker to see glass manufacturing. A beautiful glass enhances the
drinking experience. To the connoisseur, no aspect of whisky is too small.
“WHAT A GORGEOUS DAY. WHAT EFFULGENT SUNSHINE. IT WAS A DAY
OF THIS SORT THE MCGILLICUDDY BROTHERS MURDERED THEIR MOTHER WITH AN AXE. “
 Scotland is a country much loved for its whisky,
its golf courses, its spectacular scenery and its unique sense of itself. It
is also famous for Hamlet, for uprisings and dark moody weather. More than
many other places, Scotland engenders strong passions and a firm hold on
your memory.
When Robert Burns wrote, My love is like a red, red rose, he
may have been speaking of the love he had for his country and all its
natural beauty. Like the rose, Scotland has many variations and a few
thorns.
Like a massive bouquet of roses, it fairly uses up all your
senses and takes you places you have never been. The tastes of single malt
whiskies, freshly caught salmon, Spring lamb, shortbread and raspberries
awaken taste buds, while the smells of peaty fires and the sights of rough
offshore islands and rugged coasts open your eyes to a hard but rich life.
”I CERTAINLY DO NOT DRINK ALL THE TIME. I HAVE TO SLEEP YOU
KNOW.” Accommodations in Scotland vary widely, and include
some very interesting possibilities. You can splurge at Skibo Castle or you
can stay at hostels and B&B’s, or aim for something in between.
Thistle Hotels, one of the best-known chains in Scotland offers special
rates for weekend breaks, holidays and package tours, and is in the medium
price range. The Scottish Highlands has a delightful mix of tranquil
countryside and bustling towns and villages. With five properties in two
major Highland locations, a Thistle Hotel is a great base for a Scottish
tour, and one each in Glasgow and Edinburgh. RESOURCES FOR
PLANNING YOUR TRIP
Read before you go:
“Discovering Britain & Ireland” by National Geographic Society
Whisky Magazine
www.whiskymagazine.com The Golfer Magazine Traditions
2002
The Scottish Tourist Office's website
www.holiday.scotland.net
British Tourist Authority
http://www.visitbritain.com/
Thistle Hotels
http://www.thistlehotels.com/ Skibo Castle
http://www.carnegieclub.co.uk/
Craigellachie Hotel
http://www.craigellachie.com/ Craigellachie, Speyside
Banffshire AB38 9SR, Scotland.
Tel: +44 (0)1340 881204 Fax: +44 (0)1340 881253
Email: info@craigellachie.com
The Whisky Trail
http://www.maltwhiskytrail.com/ Golfing in Scotland
http://www.linksland.com/
http://www.uk-golfguide.com/
Before you go, contact a golf specialist. They can get you
tee-times at famous places, and can advise you about some of the lesser
known but more available courses.
Regional tourist authorities sometimes sell golf pass
promotions so that you can play several courses at considerable discounts.
It is even possible to buy a weekly golf passport for the price of a single
round on some of the famous golf clubs.
Text and photographs, copyright, Marguerite Jordan
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