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For all the toilet-timid tourists out there...
By Cindy-Lou Dale
It’s unavoidable; no matter how much you
try to ignore the urge, you will eventually need to ‘go’. France has the
greatest variety of loo’s I’ve seen and like most other things, you can't seem
to find one when you truly need to - unless you know where to look.
To save you from this awkwardness allow
me to take you on the French Loo Guide.
***
Few tourists can appreciate the European
concept of forking out cash to use the jazz; but let’s not forget
travelling is all about taking in other cultures and embracing our differences.
And lets be honest, I’m certain most of us have experienced times when we'd pay
just about anything to use a loo.
Here are a few examples of the classic
latrine experiences that await you and a basic guide of how to use them:
Doing it in a café
You haven’t experienced France until
you’ve been to the unisex toilets in a French café. They are mostly downstairs
where you find the telephones. Sometimes there is a urinal in this open
telephone area that folk walk by to get to the squats. Some men may feel a bit
uncomfortable with the lack of privacy, especially if there are a couple of
people using the phones while they are trying to go, in which case the
squats may be more appropriate.
Squats
(Turkish style toilets) are a little awkward at first but you’ll eventually get
the
hang of how to stand and deliver. It’s mostly indicated where your feet should
go, some squats even sport a handle on the wall for you to hold onto whilst you
crouch and aim at the black hole in the ground, but don’t hang around too long
as the lights are usually on timers. Café toilets don’t supply paper, so be sure
to have sufficient supplies. Take care when flushing as these toilets spray
water all over the place.
Technically, toilets inside Café’s are
free for their clientele, unless you found one that has a coin apparatus on the
door, so it’s only courteous to order a coffee afterwards, which equates to a
very expensive call of nature, considering you’ve just gone in what amounts to a
shower stall.
Going public
If you feel more comfortable in a
Western style John, head for the public toilets where you pay the aide.
They’re just like western style loo’s apart from there being an old dear sitting
beside a stand, collecting coins for the use of the facility. A price list is
displayed indicating the fee charged to take a shower, have a number one, a
number two, etc. Another price is charged for men – depending on whether they
use the booth or the urinal.
These are common in bus and train
stations as well as some auto service areas.
Going hi-tech
The coin operated automatic street
toilets are tremendous. My first experience with such a high-tech self cleaning
toilet (complete with rocking toilet seats and music) was in Paris.
At this juncture I feel compelled to
issue a couple of warning.
After you’ve fed it the required
coinage, the door opens automatically and you walk into a newly disinfected wet
floored toilet. Actually, the whole toilet is decontaminated and dosed with
disinfectant following each use, leaving a wet seat. You have fifteen minutes to
go, so there can be no hanging about as the door automatically open, exposing
you to the world.
My teenage son thought he could save a
few coins by ducking in whilst someone was exiting. No doubt he had forgotten my
warnings of earlier and was promptly sanitised -- the toilet received no payment
so thought it was empty and retracted the toilet bowl into the wall (with him
still on it), then sprayed him with sterilizer.
Going commando
If you're caught without change and need
to go, fret not. There are many places in France with truly free toilets.
The
main bus terminal in the Paris has free toilets and so does the Georges Pompidou
Centre. Their free sit-down toilets are at the entrance and third floor library.
The loo’s are located in the entrance areas so you don’t need to pay to get in. Also,
the underground mall below the Louvre pyramid has free toilets near the entrance
to the metro station and also downstairs close to the entrance of the car park.
Junk food restaurants – yes, the
American fast food culture has infiltrated France, meaning free toilets. Just
pop into any McDonalds, Quick or Burger King for a real ‘back home’ sit down
toilet.
I’ve never figured out why folk pay to
use toilets at stations when the toilets on the trains are free. Ethically I
suppose this is a no-no as you're not meant to use train toilets when the train
is inactive but you should be able to slip in unobserved. However, you might
want to check the departure time before doing this.
How to use a Squad
-
Lock the toilet door but ensure you
have sufficient toilet paper or tissues before you enter – finding a dry
corner for them may be a challenge.
-
Lower your pants to just pass centre
thigh but make certain your trousers/skirt is hitched up around the knees
first as they may get wet. Think of your jeans as the US military camp and
the black hole as the Iraq rebel base.
-
On the floor you'll see where to put
your feet on. Now crouch, facing the door.
-
Sometimes you’ll find a wall
‘handle’ to help keep your balance.
-
Do the business, and then clean up.
-
Guys – take care when urinating. Use
your hand in directing Percy otherwise you may wet your trousers and shoes.
-
No rush to redress. Taking a moment
to tuck yourself should allow sufficient time for the blood to drain from
your face.
-
Open the door and be sure you are
ready to dart out before you flush as the water sprays over a large area.
READER'S FEEDBACK:
The article, The French Loo Guide, is a winner - and so
true. I laughed really hard, recounting all the familiar situations. When I
first visited France as an 11 year old boy, I was shocked at all the public
urinals made of sheet metal in a labirint form. These reeking montrosities are
long since gone, replaced my the more high tech loos that are coin operated.
Usually they simply take your coins, and the door to abracadabra does not open.
Living in France permanently now, I am prepared for the most. Such as getting
your shoes, ankles and socks cleaned while using a Squat in older buildings.
Usually, the space is tiny small and the flush so violent, that you get this
extra foot bath "gratuit."
I hope Ms Cindy-Lou Dale will continue to write with such
wit. But please do not provide a Polish Loo Guide. Being in need in that country
can be a horrifying experience. Such as the loos at roadside eateries. Bring
wading shoes, flie paper and a clothes pin for the nose
Cordialement,
Bard Andreas Schjolberg
Schjolberg Conseil, Paris
www.schjolberg.com
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